Mar. 20th, 2011

29 is the year of earning an adult trophy so I can get back to more interesting things.

I've been in a thinking phase for quite some time. I've adapted to its unrelenting drive for the most part, although there are times that the illusion of control comes apart at the seams.

Seeing myself come close to some remarkably large and scary goals has brought about confidence and a stronger work ethic, but the latter only because I'm running that last quarter mile and the finish line is in sight.

What comes after this? I don't know. Building again. Saving money so I can look at some cool activity or skill and say, "I'm going to learn to do THAT or experience THAT!"

No more guilt. Life is short and the system is rigged. Might as well live simply and beautifully. Work hard when needed to have enough freedom, but no chasing illusions of riches.

Of course, that's one possibility. The other nagging possibility is kids. I'm years away yet; I know that. But I can't help but feel like parenting is something that I would be good at, and that's something that has changed in the past few years. When I was in a depressed foggy turmoil, I barely believed in my ability to take care of myself, let alone someone else. I am believing now.

But no decisions yet. First, freedom. Then, little choices, little experiences. It's time for my emotions and spirituality to fully re-emerge. I can feel it; they're chomping at the bit, but without the angst that used to tag along with them. I think it's going to be a fantastic summer.

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walkinginthenight

April 2013

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