Apr. 19th, 2013

Time, time time, slipping away. Body constantly feels under stress, and so much energy and thought put into combatting the strain. it works for a while, and then i get tensed and sore again.

i've been feeling pretty melancholy for the past month, after a welcome little break from the winter. my back and legs have been in a state of not-quite-healing for the month, and therefore epic bike rides on the new touring bike are scaled back in favor of resting on my days off, which is sad, because it is precisely those rides to new lands that rejuvenate my mind. i want to cover longer and longer distances so i can begin exploring the really fun places.

my five year anniversary at work is coming up this summer, and i'm feeling an itch to leave, but i don't know what i would replace it with. money is a key factor. i had a dream last night that i got change at walgreens and the cashier didn't notice that one of my $5 bills was actually a $500,000 bill. as absurd as that sounds, in the dream i somehow knew it was true, and i quietly pocketed it, feeling a momentary twinge of guilt for the act but also guessing that the bill never belonged in that till in the first place. i hid it while i made plans to change my life before it was time to clock back in from lunch.

it felt so real.

i am feeling another urge to live simply. i want to jettison as many possessions as possible. i want to travel - by bike, by train. i want to rent a tiny and tidy little room in some small city in europe. i want to disconnect from the internet and connect with real people.

there is so much fear holding me back. what i need to do is save money and somehow remember not to give as much of myself to my job. i have it good there, in some ways - i'm trusted, i have a great team who works for me, and i often set my own agenda. if i could manage to scale back my effort there gradually over time so that others didn't notice - if i could just bloody figure out how some people get away with that - and i can cut expenses, i can pile up some cash and go a traveling.

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walkinginthenight

April 2013

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