[personal profile] walkinginthenight
I drank a full glass of milk for the first time in a long time (I switched to mostly soy long ago because of a few sour milk experiences that left me a bit grossed out with consuming lots of cow's milk, along with some general recognition of stomach upset), and several hours later I entered what felt remarkably like gluten fog. I guess large amounts of casein do the same thing to me?

I'm still in it, and wanted to post while my brain was still in this space.

Recognizable changes: vision feels less focused. Muscles tingle in a slightly achey way. Gassy, slight stomach unease. Brain feels taxed; emotionally and mentally I feel like there's a higher wall between me and the rest of the world. Can interact pleasantly enough on the surface but larger demands feel intrusive.

At work, it felt all bad - made it harder to focus on job. Kept getting distracted in the middle of simple tasks. Just resigned myself to getting what I needed to get done done, and not stressing about getting ahead. No major projects.

But on the way home - when demands on my mind had ceased and my only task was to get myself home, I found that I was enjoying myself, in a way. (Well, other than the gas.) I cranked up the iPod - Love Reign O'er Me and November Rain seemed apt for the dark, rainy walk home - and felt very stimmy, like there was less inhibition between me and just feeling the moment and the music. Greater joy, greater high of hearing the notes I love so much. On empty blocks, I happily hand-drummed along and sang to the dark and peaceful streets.

It made me wonder if I need to find a way to get a brain vacation on a quasi regular basis that doesn't also make me feel sick. It's like with clarity brain, I feel more confident because I'm not ignoring the important logistics in my life and therefore not feeling that horrible mixture of guilt and panic. But tonight has reminded me that I've lost a portal into part of my brain and I want it back, sometimes.

I used to smoke green because I felt like my brain was absolutely useless at the end of a long day, so I might as well enjoy it. I stopped around the same time that I went gluten free because I was enjoying the clarity and felt like being in an altered state was connected to all of the bad and helpless times I had had. I don't want to go back to the way I was before, but I feel like I want to restore some balance - I want to feel more in the present, like the way I feel now. Meditation? Yoga? Dancing? Not having large stuff in my life to stress about so I can let go? I don't know. All right, back to enjoying this.



April 2013

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